De-Smell Yourself. The DIY Way feat. Dolphins / Cage / Reptile

Even if your wits of uranium can't save your less-than-lovely charm before it's standing in the way of getting you the (insert preferred gender-id-or-lack-there-of here), you can at least hope to have the last laugh in this potentially salty situation by smelling alright, stickin' it to "the man" (insert rude-gender-laundry-joke here), and NOT slowly allowing respiratory/hormone bending/chemical altering products to wreak havoc on your system..and also like, not-getting Cancer...

(at least the kind that them menacing laundry detergent companies intend to give you 

- you should maybe short that smoke if you're actually serious about this)

And still be free to wave your un-blocked endocrines right in they's faces.

Not only are these chemicals hazardous to wrap yourself head-to-toe in this cold season - 

What with SLS being a known "corrosive [skin] irritant" (strips skin of that lovely oleo-aura our epidermis uses to protect and lock in moisture) and all ... 

I doubt you care but

- I wear gloves while handling any chemicals when cleaning my shears at work... 

I've had problem skin for years and broke out in rashes from chemical disinfectants used at school..

'til I got down with trying this method [paired with alternate hair products, as well].

anyway.

- they're also impacting the food that we eat..as bi-products are recycled right back into the ocean 

- and if you're a sushi-tarian, you may want to consider trying this out. One of the chemicals in many-if not all detergents (because of it's ability to trick your eyes into thinking your shits clean with "optical brighteners" - cockashit) is capable of / known to affect the absorption in aquatic animals increasing their intake of many other toxic compounds in that oceanic cesspool of waste of ours. 

More info on how damaging this junk is to aquatic life in below article!

1,4-dioxane 

is the ninja bastard son of laundry detergents. 

But like, only if Ms. Ethylene ) Oxide decides to screw this milkman (AKA other harmful contaminants present in these products - more specifics & what to look for on the label below)

(also a ninja)

Motherfucker never shows up on the guest list on the ingredient label because it's a mudblood / bi-product of other known-carcinogenic contaminants, and is recognized as being "cause for concern in even trace amounts" (by which, we're talking - proven to cause cancer in lab animals) 

Not present on the party-list but plenty present in our water supply as it is not quite biodegradable, and too stubborn to go anywhere else. 

Lovely.

Anyway, those are a couple Rudeness Ever-rudes involved, so I'll just leave ya with this for now.

Would you ever want to live in a world where you proceed down a short line of life diggin' your own grave - in between rapid fits of having to pee! - whilst being unable to ever drink nor have sex ever again (not just if that's what you're into-I'm talking completely void of choice) ? Would you like to watch your children and grand-children cope with this skewed life-style pattern?

Smells a 'lil futuristic to me, but still fairly threatening, when I'm thinkin' :

 once these chemicals hop a train via your lungs, skin, or that cup or bottle of "filtered" water to directly paint the town red on your neurological, resperatory, and endocrine systems, while at the same time gettin' turnt on your decreasing morality rate, cause biochemical and cellular chaos, as well as trashin' your kidneys, liver, and other organs. All goes without sayin' your mortality rate's gettin' a run for it's money - or what money it's got ahold of after feeding these companies cash you'll need later for medical bills.  

Not to say that this will ENTIRELY and simply be prevented by following my shitty guide - we're kind of eternally sticking our boners (and-lady-boners) in the face of this planet and fucking our selves in turn on a tremendous multitude of levels. 

HOWEVER, 

Same as being vegan / vegetarian / recycling / upcycling / generally any choice that points you or anyone else in a direction of resourcefulness / conservation / RESPECT to the environment and all it encompasses could NOT hurt. And if one person decides this alternative to mega-mashing toxins into the 'sphere is helpful for them then it'd still make some sort of difference - (especially if you brag to your friends how cool and diy you are for doing this instead of feeding those corporate laundry fuckers *shakes fist*)

Or in the words of Katt Williams 

(if you try this at home please fill me in on the results), 

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."

 Anyway.

There are boundless other reasons why this shit should not be in your home let alone slathered all over your body on the daily, but before you're snorin' in a pool of your own saliva - I'll sling ya the link to the article I found helpful on Mercola.com, you may also find an alternate recipe for this through links on there as well as a few guides to safer products and more info as to why you wanna cross these products off your shopping list forever. Or

Article on Mercola :

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2011/12/21/are-you-slowly-killing-your-family-with-hidden-dioxane-in-your-laundry-detergent.aspx

Here's how!

Welcome to the DIY Guide to De-Smelling yourself as nature kinda hoped you would

(From the outside, in - naturally)

because in this day and age,

true beauty has less to do with endocrines

and organ toxicity and failing ecosystems

and more to do with photoshop.

What you'll need:

*Vintage-looking bars of soap 

(I chose Fels-Naptha, which you can get at Hardware stores as well as Grocery stores, works well for getting out them stains..ya filthy fuck) 

90 cents

*A cheese grater 

1$

*Borax or other-brand laundry booster 

2.50 $

*Washing Soda 

(Arm&Hammer pictured..obviously) 3.00$

*Storage Container 

1$

*A spoon, fork, wisk, cat...your mixing utensil of choice 

– F R E E from Taco Bell

*Measuring cup .. if you lack the ability to "eye-ball 'til the day ya fall" this comes in handy 

1$

I know what you're thinking:

Damn! 

I haven't seen anything this cheap or easy since the time I sent my ex some 

Craigslist midget pee-er hookers to his job on his birthday!

okmaybenot

S T E P 1 :

Arm yourself with your best bar of oxy-moronic Hippie Soap! 

AKA : Fels-Naptha

Under 1$ at grocery / hardware stores by the laundry or cleaning section. 

Git it

S T E P 2 :

Grate down witcha bad self.

Mhmgrr

Grate this shit like it owed you lunch money

Show no mercy +20

Brutal Fatality.

(BTW: Reptile added to MKXSAYWHATT-*ahem*trailerbelow)

This is not a S T E P but actually a diversion technique

warning: 

none of the following jokes are actually funny, 

please do not encourage this kind of behavior by laughing.

Imeanit.

This is what you should get

Do: Note that this is what 2 cups of 1 shredded bar soap looks like

Do not: leave this on the counter on taco night

...unless your roommate pissed you off 

and you're going for that cheesy look..

(itain'tthateasyipromise)

S T E P 3 :

Bust out le Borax

Do: Note that this is what 2 cups of Borax looks like

Do: Dump 2 of these bad boys (2 cups each) like they was tryina get with your sister 

.. into the bin with the taco cheese / soap shreds ..

Do not: leave this on your coffee table on coke night 

S T E P 4 :

I now commence -

Soap / Borax Face / off

Fig. 1 (above) : Sorry it was inevitable

Fig. 2 : Soap vs. Borax 

1 part soap

2 parts Borax

-if you're less lazy than me you'll grate the soap with the finer grates 

so it'll mix better later on. Works the same either way if ya stir crazy-

S T E P 5 :

Warsh teh Night Away

Here's what 2 cups of Washing Soda looks like 

This isn't really a full S T E P but :

Get out your crazy eyes and

Stir that motherfucker stirrrrrrrrr....rrrrr

Soap / Borax / Washing Soda

Once you got the goods all laid out your gonna have to grab a spoon and dig in .. 

It'll look like this:

1 Part soap 

2 Parts Borax

2 Parts Washing soda

I should warn you

you may begin to experience

dangerous levels of encroaching stokery

until BLAMMO!

Voila !

You've now upgraded to a minutely higher level of hippie. 

While at the same time succeeding in sticking it to the man. 

While at the same time decreasing your general olfactory aura

while at the same time saving a couple $$ on chemicals designed

to break down the fragile inner eco systems of your body and earth.

You're still gross, but at least your endocrines as well as genitalia 

will stand a better chance before being instantly blocked by your 

laundry detergent-induced mutations and/or other limitations,

and you may be around slightly longer to enjoy this sensation

-equipped with perhaps a couple more $ to take 'em on a sushi date. 

ON A SIDE NOTE:

If you doubt that this will make you smell as artificial as you'd like, you may also add a few drops of essential oils to each load of laundry and/or simply get bars of soap which include these. 

You can also roll around in nature, but I'd recommend that ya bundle up and avoid busy intersections..

those tend to smell more like cotton candy but I think our options are limited to Floral Field and Spring Rain.

And it's Winter..so.

awk

A S P R O M I S E D : 

-megasquee-

-Karma